The Merchant of Saerloon
Characters
Fra. Viacolo Vespinadi - A travelling troubadour, wanders from place to place.
Mdme. Iaglocchio - An old merchant who thinks themselves more spry; lusts for Fra. Vespinadi.
Mme. Iaglocchio - The merchant's daughter, wishes to be seen as a virtuous soul; lusts for Fra. Vespinadi.
Arlechin - Faithful servant, cheerful, perhaps a touch lazy; too clever for her own good, and tends to sabotage things in her attempts to help.
Brijela - Faithful servant, cynical, prone to worry, too clever for their own good, and tends to sabotage things (in a different way than the Arlechin) in attempts to help.
~
Introduction, and Act 1:
Arlechin and Brijela step out, and present the scene:
A: O! Most joyous of days, have you not heard? In this fair town of Saerloon, riven by war and strife, a Troubador fair, Fra Viacolo Vespinadi, has come to our city!
B: Oh really? When’s he leaving?
A: Perhaps, perhaps, after a time he will, but hark, do you not hear? He now performs his song for all in the city square!
B: Wonderful, we’ll be free of vermin for weeks from the noise!
Vespinadi emerges from one side, Fra and Fraia from the other, A and B move to the side with them. Alessa and V perform a duet, Alessa from off-stage, other performers may contribute to song as they are able.
Once the song concludes, the Troubador departs; Fra, Fraia, A, and B are left to converse.
Mdme: Oh, what legs!
Mme: Oh, what hair!
A: Oh, what a voice!
B: Oh, what a racket!
The other three glare at B, before A breaks the tension, saying,
A: Ah, but my good Madame, Mademoiselle, you both love this man?
Mdme: I know I’d love to do things -to- him…
Mme: Mother! I, of course, am always looking for marriage prospects… And what about father?
Mdme: So what? Gieorg is away, and Vespinadi, ah, he is here!
A: Well, more accurately, he is over there.
The Other Three: Regardless!
A: Regardless, I think it behooves us, BEHOOVES US, to aid the two of you in your plight, leal servants that we are; perhaps you may write a confession, each, of your love and admiration for him, and we might deliver this message?
Mdme and Mme glare at each other a moment; it is clear that this is now a competition.
Mdme: Clearly, with my years of experience, I shall have -no- trouble making a letter to make him swoon.
Mme: Come now, your heart is as stone gray as your hair, mother! How would he covet a woman with one foot in the grave?
Mdme: Ah, but experience, does not one with skill overcome one with mere talent?
Mme: Ah, and his experience, like laying with a corpse, dusty and haggard!
Mdme: Fine! Then war it shall be; that our menfolk…
Mme: And your husband!
Mdme: ….might strive in the field of battle, so shall we strive in the field of love. Away with you, we have writing to do!
Each away off stage; End of First Act.
~
Act 2
A, B, and Mdme meet in secret, Mme is spying on them from the side.
Mdme: Now, I want you to listen carefully, Arlechin, Brijela; this is important!
A: Of course, of course, whatever you desire; how can I help?
B: As long as it isn’t that weird thing you asked for with the horse before.
Mdme: Oh, mia, my troubles! My own daughter competing with me, upon the battlefield that is love…
Mme, stage whisper from her spying: More like lust!
Mdme hands A a letter, dramatically.
Mdme: Take this letter, servant, and see it delivered to the goodly Fra Vespinadi!
A: Of course, at once!
The Arlechin gives a cheery salute, and Mdme walks off stage; Mme comes from the side to the two servants, presenting them with a letter of her own.
Mme: And just on time, I have this letter to give to you, to deliver to the very same. I am -certain- my letter will be better, of course.
A: Of course, of course, dear Mademoiselle, I’m sure it will.
B: At least it can’t be worse than her mother’s.
After leaving the letter in the capable hands of A and B, the two consider the two letters.
A: Oh, this won’t do, this won’t do… So stilted, so archaic; I can taste the grave dust upon the parchment!
B: And this other one won’t do either; surely he will want an authentic view into her heart, rather than this drivel?
The Arlechin pantomimes coughing, before getting a grin on her face, and holding the paper close. Brijela leans in, schemingly.
A: But, ah, I can improve this!
B: -We- can improve this.
The Arlechin and Brijela proceed back off stage, before returning, V coming in from the other side.
A: O, noble Troubador, from far you’ve ventured; I have for you a letter, dear to the heart of the one I serve, would you listen to it, and heed its words fair?
V: Oh, a letter from an adoring fan? Ha ha, I receive many of those. Please, please! Do read it!
A: Ahem hem…
A: O, great musical mind, emerging from the geniosity of your, ah… Far off lands, wouldst thou share in my bounteous tracts, ripe and fertile, that you might put youth back into barren, dust’d soil? Prithee, with thy boisterous touch, that of a farmer firm and unyielding, steer thy plow and cultivate thy seed, with song and song again to spur fine growth.
V looks amused, perhaps a touch baffled. He should occasionally glance over at the audience as if to imply, ‘get a load of this!’.
A: Yearn! O YEARN, do I, for thy roiling biceps, scrumptious shoulders, thy…
B: Are you done yet? I don’t remember it being this long.
V and A gawk at B, A with more of a look of betrayal than anything, before B interrupts the silence.
B: Ahem! Now I am going to read my… my mademoiselle’s letter to you.
B: O, great musical mind, emerging from…. Wait a moment, ARLECHIN! How did you give me a -second- copy of this?
A: I thought you could use it for inspiration!
B whaps A upside the head with the combined papers, and reshuffles them.
B: Ahem ahem. Now that I have the -right- one out…
B: Noble musician, and surely a man of many other talents as well, I offer my most humble greetings to you, as a daughter of a very important merchant who should definitely be paid attention to. It is my utmost desire, as a chaste and pure woman, to ride thee as a knight might a stallion. To take me whole, into thy arms, and to show me Sune’s delights, in all their myriad forms, including the ones we really shouldn’t be doing in the sight of the Gods…
V, bewildered, begins to wave B down.
V: Please, please, ah, you are both…. Very loyal servants, yes. But give me time to think, yes?
A: Oh! Yes.
B: Of course. Take your time.
V departs, A and B do as well, after a glance at each other. End of Act 2.
~
Act 3
A, B, and Mme meet once again; Mdme spies upon them from the side.
Mme: Did he like it, did he like the note?
A: Truly, he was overwhelmed by the enormity of passion, of love, that both of you wrote for him; he said that he needed time.
B: Overwhelmed? I thought he looked confused.
A: Ah Brijela, these two things, they are not so far apart!
Mme: Fine! I will have to come up with something…. Ah! I know -just- the thing! What if I wrote a letter, posing as my mother?
Everyone gasps; this includes Alessa and V, who poke their heads out from behind stage, and immediately vanish back again.
A: Why, Mademoiselle, I’d never imagine you capable of descending to such mischief!
B: I can believe it.
The two shoot glares at B, but not before Mme quickly drafts a letter and presses it into A’s hands.
Mme: Well! Perhaps this time, this will -assure- my victory. Be off, Arlechin, Brijela, and deliver this to him!
Mme departs offstage, Mdme approaches, fuming.
Mdme: So she thinks she can pull a trick on me, ha! Well, I will show her! You two!
Mdme as well quickly drafts up a letter, and hands it to B.
Mdme: Take this to him, and no funny business! I’ll show her….
Mdme retreats off stage. A and B look at each other, at the letters, and then back at each other.
A: Well, no harm in doing it again, yes?
B: Maybe we’ll get it right this time.
The two depart; V comes from his side of the stage, seeming to walk casually as if down a road. A and B hide behind something, and leap out to bar his path with flourish and aplomb.
A: Ah, goodly Troubador, I am so very thankful that you are still in town; I have another letter, from my Madame, that surely will clear matters up in regards to her affections for you!
V: Oh no, not this again.
A: Ahem-hem!
A: Alas, my love for you has run as dry as my loins; must I list for you the reasons that you must find me repulsive?...
V: No, really, you don’t have to…
A: First, upon this list, are the pustules, immense and bulging; they emerge upon each other, as if budding fresh green upon a spring morn. I have named them each, as I see them as children.
V visibly retches, leaning off to the side.
A: Second of which are the warts, of which I have been told are contagious; they form into twisted horns, of which mine skin emerges as if I were some hellspawn…
B: Really? You decided to keep that part in? Excessive, excessive!
A: Oh, really? Do you think -you- can do better?
V attempts to creep away slowly, only for both of them to suddenly turn their attention towards him.
Both: You -are- staying for the last letter.
A: Which one of them gave us this one again?
B: I forget. Oh well!
V sighs in defeat, and resigns himself. B retrieves the letter.
B: I was lying. I am, in fact, a scurrilous wench, who still wishes to ride you as a knight might a stallion. My lowborn status and wanton nature are clear for all to see, and my cooking is terrible. My nose curves nearly down to my lips, and I have six fingers and toes on each of my misshapen extremities. Children passing me upon the street scream in fear; I have been ordered by the local Prince to wear a bag over my face to hide my family’s shame and to promote public order.
B, looking proud of himself, rolls up the letter and stands smartly.
V: … Is that all?
Both: Yes!
V: Can I go now?
Both: Yes!
V: Fantastic! …. What is that racket…?
The three look off towards offstage, before A and B run off, V walking slowly behind.
~
Act 4
A and B come from offstage, Mdme and Mme come from the other side, furious.
Mdme: How -DARE- you…!
Mme: As if you wouldn’t have done exactly the same thing!
Mdme: Oh, mia, my troubles, did I truly raise you this way?
A, B, Mme: Yes!
Mdme: You wrote a letter as -me-!...
Mme: As if I didn’t see you do exactly the same thing!
Mdme: Yes, because I saw -you- do it!
The two servants move to hold the two off from each other, as they attempt to slap at each other and launch various insults and barbs at each other. After a moment of this, V comes in from offstage.
V: This is what all this racket is about?
Instantly, the fighting stops, and everyone involved tries to put on a smile and look innocent.
Mdme: Oh, Fra Vespinadi, I do hope you have considered my proposal!
Mme: Forget this rotten oak; perhaps a fruiting sapling suits your needs?
V: Enough! From both of you. You are both awful. Why is it, that whenever I come through Saerloon, the women are all miserable nags? I hope you both die alone, it is what you both deserve.
V departs. Everyone stands there, in shock and silence, before Mdme loudly proclaims,
Mdme: Oh, mia, my troubles!
Everyone filters off stage, save the Arlechin, who lingers behind, before turning around, delivering this soliloquy:
A: That all in strife does end in strife, and all in love does joy yet bless /
But Joy and Woe both woven fine, makes love quite tricky, I must confess. /
Some yet pine and wait anew, for a lover’s fresh caress /
While some stay searching, some stay hunting; surely the next will impress.
Find it here, find it now, find it while you still are here /
That love, that joy, that sorrow, that anger, that fear /
What makes a man a man is not their might, or their gear /
But that they tried to hold close, those that they hold dear.
Characters
Fra. Viacolo Vespinadi - A travelling troubadour, wanders from place to place.
Mdme. Iaglocchio - An old merchant who thinks themselves more spry; lusts for Fra. Vespinadi.
Mme. Iaglocchio - The merchant's daughter, wishes to be seen as a virtuous soul; lusts for Fra. Vespinadi.
Arlechin - Faithful servant, cheerful, perhaps a touch lazy; too clever for her own good, and tends to sabotage things in her attempts to help.
Brijela - Faithful servant, cynical, prone to worry, too clever for their own good, and tends to sabotage things (in a different way than the Arlechin) in attempts to help.
~
Introduction, and Act 1:
Arlechin and Brijela step out, and present the scene:
A: O! Most joyous of days, have you not heard? In this fair town of Saerloon, riven by war and strife, a Troubador fair, Fra Viacolo Vespinadi, has come to our city!
B: Oh really? When’s he leaving?
A: Perhaps, perhaps, after a time he will, but hark, do you not hear? He now performs his song for all in the city square!
B: Wonderful, we’ll be free of vermin for weeks from the noise!
Vespinadi emerges from one side, Fra and Fraia from the other, A and B move to the side with them. Alessa and V perform a duet, Alessa from off-stage, other performers may contribute to song as they are able.
Once the song concludes, the Troubador departs; Fra, Fraia, A, and B are left to converse.
Mdme: Oh, what legs!
Mme: Oh, what hair!
A: Oh, what a voice!
B: Oh, what a racket!
The other three glare at B, before A breaks the tension, saying,
A: Ah, but my good Madame, Mademoiselle, you both love this man?
Mdme: I know I’d love to do things -to- him…
Mme: Mother! I, of course, am always looking for marriage prospects… And what about father?
Mdme: So what? Gieorg is away, and Vespinadi, ah, he is here!
A: Well, more accurately, he is over there.
The Other Three: Regardless!
A: Regardless, I think it behooves us, BEHOOVES US, to aid the two of you in your plight, leal servants that we are; perhaps you may write a confession, each, of your love and admiration for him, and we might deliver this message?
Mdme and Mme glare at each other a moment; it is clear that this is now a competition.
Mdme: Clearly, with my years of experience, I shall have -no- trouble making a letter to make him swoon.
Mme: Come now, your heart is as stone gray as your hair, mother! How would he covet a woman with one foot in the grave?
Mdme: Ah, but experience, does not one with skill overcome one with mere talent?
Mme: Ah, and his experience, like laying with a corpse, dusty and haggard!
Mdme: Fine! Then war it shall be; that our menfolk…
Mme: And your husband!
Mdme: ….might strive in the field of battle, so shall we strive in the field of love. Away with you, we have writing to do!
Each away off stage; End of First Act.
~
Act 2
A, B, and Mdme meet in secret, Mme is spying on them from the side.
Mdme: Now, I want you to listen carefully, Arlechin, Brijela; this is important!
A: Of course, of course, whatever you desire; how can I help?
B: As long as it isn’t that weird thing you asked for with the horse before.
Mdme: Oh, mia, my troubles! My own daughter competing with me, upon the battlefield that is love…
Mme, stage whisper from her spying: More like lust!
Mdme hands A a letter, dramatically.
Mdme: Take this letter, servant, and see it delivered to the goodly Fra Vespinadi!
A: Of course, at once!
The Arlechin gives a cheery salute, and Mdme walks off stage; Mme comes from the side to the two servants, presenting them with a letter of her own.
Mme: And just on time, I have this letter to give to you, to deliver to the very same. I am -certain- my letter will be better, of course.
A: Of course, of course, dear Mademoiselle, I’m sure it will.
B: At least it can’t be worse than her mother’s.
After leaving the letter in the capable hands of A and B, the two consider the two letters.
A: Oh, this won’t do, this won’t do… So stilted, so archaic; I can taste the grave dust upon the parchment!
B: And this other one won’t do either; surely he will want an authentic view into her heart, rather than this drivel?
The Arlechin pantomimes coughing, before getting a grin on her face, and holding the paper close. Brijela leans in, schemingly.
A: But, ah, I can improve this!
B: -We- can improve this.
The Arlechin and Brijela proceed back off stage, before returning, V coming in from the other side.
A: O, noble Troubador, from far you’ve ventured; I have for you a letter, dear to the heart of the one I serve, would you listen to it, and heed its words fair?
V: Oh, a letter from an adoring fan? Ha ha, I receive many of those. Please, please! Do read it!
A: Ahem hem…
A: O, great musical mind, emerging from the geniosity of your, ah… Far off lands, wouldst thou share in my bounteous tracts, ripe and fertile, that you might put youth back into barren, dust’d soil? Prithee, with thy boisterous touch, that of a farmer firm and unyielding, steer thy plow and cultivate thy seed, with song and song again to spur fine growth.
V looks amused, perhaps a touch baffled. He should occasionally glance over at the audience as if to imply, ‘get a load of this!’.
A: Yearn! O YEARN, do I, for thy roiling biceps, scrumptious shoulders, thy…
B: Are you done yet? I don’t remember it being this long.
V and A gawk at B, A with more of a look of betrayal than anything, before B interrupts the silence.
B: Ahem! Now I am going to read my… my mademoiselle’s letter to you.
B: O, great musical mind, emerging from…. Wait a moment, ARLECHIN! How did you give me a -second- copy of this?
A: I thought you could use it for inspiration!
B whaps A upside the head with the combined papers, and reshuffles them.
B: Ahem ahem. Now that I have the -right- one out…
B: Noble musician, and surely a man of many other talents as well, I offer my most humble greetings to you, as a daughter of a very important merchant who should definitely be paid attention to. It is my utmost desire, as a chaste and pure woman, to ride thee as a knight might a stallion. To take me whole, into thy arms, and to show me Sune’s delights, in all their myriad forms, including the ones we really shouldn’t be doing in the sight of the Gods…
V, bewildered, begins to wave B down.
V: Please, please, ah, you are both…. Very loyal servants, yes. But give me time to think, yes?
A: Oh! Yes.
B: Of course. Take your time.
V departs, A and B do as well, after a glance at each other. End of Act 2.
~
Act 3
A, B, and Mme meet once again; Mdme spies upon them from the side.
Mme: Did he like it, did he like the note?
A: Truly, he was overwhelmed by the enormity of passion, of love, that both of you wrote for him; he said that he needed time.
B: Overwhelmed? I thought he looked confused.
A: Ah Brijela, these two things, they are not so far apart!
Mme: Fine! I will have to come up with something…. Ah! I know -just- the thing! What if I wrote a letter, posing as my mother?
Everyone gasps; this includes Alessa and V, who poke their heads out from behind stage, and immediately vanish back again.
A: Why, Mademoiselle, I’d never imagine you capable of descending to such mischief!
B: I can believe it.
The two shoot glares at B, but not before Mme quickly drafts a letter and presses it into A’s hands.
Mme: Well! Perhaps this time, this will -assure- my victory. Be off, Arlechin, Brijela, and deliver this to him!
Mme departs offstage, Mdme approaches, fuming.
Mdme: So she thinks she can pull a trick on me, ha! Well, I will show her! You two!
Mdme as well quickly drafts up a letter, and hands it to B.
Mdme: Take this to him, and no funny business! I’ll show her….
Mdme retreats off stage. A and B look at each other, at the letters, and then back at each other.
A: Well, no harm in doing it again, yes?
B: Maybe we’ll get it right this time.
The two depart; V comes from his side of the stage, seeming to walk casually as if down a road. A and B hide behind something, and leap out to bar his path with flourish and aplomb.
A: Ah, goodly Troubador, I am so very thankful that you are still in town; I have another letter, from my Madame, that surely will clear matters up in regards to her affections for you!
V: Oh no, not this again.
A: Ahem-hem!
A: Alas, my love for you has run as dry as my loins; must I list for you the reasons that you must find me repulsive?...
V: No, really, you don’t have to…
A: First, upon this list, are the pustules, immense and bulging; they emerge upon each other, as if budding fresh green upon a spring morn. I have named them each, as I see them as children.
V visibly retches, leaning off to the side.
A: Second of which are the warts, of which I have been told are contagious; they form into twisted horns, of which mine skin emerges as if I were some hellspawn…
B: Really? You decided to keep that part in? Excessive, excessive!
A: Oh, really? Do you think -you- can do better?
V attempts to creep away slowly, only for both of them to suddenly turn their attention towards him.
Both: You -are- staying for the last letter.
A: Which one of them gave us this one again?
B: I forget. Oh well!
V sighs in defeat, and resigns himself. B retrieves the letter.
B: I was lying. I am, in fact, a scurrilous wench, who still wishes to ride you as a knight might a stallion. My lowborn status and wanton nature are clear for all to see, and my cooking is terrible. My nose curves nearly down to my lips, and I have six fingers and toes on each of my misshapen extremities. Children passing me upon the street scream in fear; I have been ordered by the local Prince to wear a bag over my face to hide my family’s shame and to promote public order.
B, looking proud of himself, rolls up the letter and stands smartly.
V: … Is that all?
Both: Yes!
V: Can I go now?
Both: Yes!
V: Fantastic! …. What is that racket…?
The three look off towards offstage, before A and B run off, V walking slowly behind.
~
Act 4
A and B come from offstage, Mdme and Mme come from the other side, furious.
Mdme: How -DARE- you…!
Mme: As if you wouldn’t have done exactly the same thing!
Mdme: Oh, mia, my troubles, did I truly raise you this way?
A, B, Mme: Yes!
Mdme: You wrote a letter as -me-!...
Mme: As if I didn’t see you do exactly the same thing!
Mdme: Yes, because I saw -you- do it!
The two servants move to hold the two off from each other, as they attempt to slap at each other and launch various insults and barbs at each other. After a moment of this, V comes in from offstage.
V: This is what all this racket is about?
Instantly, the fighting stops, and everyone involved tries to put on a smile and look innocent.
Mdme: Oh, Fra Vespinadi, I do hope you have considered my proposal!
Mme: Forget this rotten oak; perhaps a fruiting sapling suits your needs?
V: Enough! From both of you. You are both awful. Why is it, that whenever I come through Saerloon, the women are all miserable nags? I hope you both die alone, it is what you both deserve.
V departs. Everyone stands there, in shock and silence, before Mdme loudly proclaims,
Mdme: Oh, mia, my troubles!
Everyone filters off stage, save the Arlechin, who lingers behind, before turning around, delivering this soliloquy:
A: That all in strife does end in strife, and all in love does joy yet bless /
But Joy and Woe both woven fine, makes love quite tricky, I must confess. /
Some yet pine and wait anew, for a lover’s fresh caress /
While some stay searching, some stay hunting; surely the next will impress.
Find it here, find it now, find it while you still are here /
That love, that joy, that sorrow, that anger, that fear /
What makes a man a man is not their might, or their gear /
But that they tried to hold close, those that they hold dear.